Ten Things that will definitely, definitely happen in Bodyguard’s season finale:
- David shoots himself in the eye, then goes to work and none of his crack detective colleagues notice the visible tendons and gushing blood from out of his miserable face
- Chanel, the sacked, stroppy assistant, turns out to just have a kink for gangsters in 4x4s
- The bailiffs will come round to the new build, Thames bank police headquarters to take back their really expensive furniture, plasma TVs and moody lighting
- The high security iPad won’t have password access requirements (or it does and the password is “deathstar”)
- David finds out his safe house was actually originally the Big Brother season one house
- All the politicians and civil servants turn out to be thoroughly decent and incorruptible
- There’ll be another high octane shoot out by professional marksmen where no-one gets hit
- Vicky’s boyfriend is revealed to be no-one of importance at all
- Gina McKee will wear a Cruella de Vil coat made out of security personnel’s skins
- In an amazing twist, the mastermind behind it all turns out to be the female train guard from episode one, upset at rail privatisation and Southern Rail’s ‘driver only’ staffing policy
Post credit scene: Keeley Hawes skeletal hand claws through the earth at her grave holding up a sign saying “Bodyguard will return in 2019”
